In the Dead of Night

Its crazy what happens after midnight.
All of these things you say you wouldn't do, happen.
All the things that you said you would do, don't happen.
I personally believe that you change when that clock ticks past midnight.
But I'm very partial to that belief. No one else seems to believe me....

I'm furious.
I really am.
I feel betrayed and forsaken by a person that I really didn't think that would ever happen.
But that is what happens when I idolize people.
I do it with all the guys that I currently like and I do it with friends that I really shouldn't.
We are all human and sometimes I forget that. But that the same time, damn people upset me!
Why do we have to make bad decisions? Better question: why do people not believe me when I say an action is a bad decision?


In ancient Greek Mythology, there is a prophetess named Cassandra that can see the future. Her gift is also her curse. No one listens to her when she speaks, even if its telling someone to stop doing what they are doing because they will become dead from that action.
I feel like Cassandra.

I feel like I give this amazing guidance sometimes to just have it forgotten on the wayside. But, then I also have to remember that we were put on this Earth to make mistakes and to learn and to have free agency, and that calms me down a bit. I do not like it when people do not listen to me.

It makes me feel forgotten and abandoned and unheard. Which in my book, unheard is worse than heard and ignored. At least I was heard in the first place.

Ignoring someone is an active action. take it from a person who had to grow up with Seth as a brother. It took me at least till I was 17 to realize that if I ignore him, he will go away. I had to fight myself just to keep from yelling at him sometimes. But in the end, it paid off.

What I am trying to say is: I have been told in my patriarchal blessing that I have the gift of discernment - and sometimes I forget that that gift is for my stewardship only, and that people I love and care about are not necessarily in my stewardship. Its a lesson that I am constantly learning, especially dealing with 19 year old girls most of my time.

Trust me, when people want my help, I will give it to them, but when they want reassurance that they have done nothing wrong when they have, I will not be there.
I do not lie to the people I love about things I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane person in the room and then I remember that I am the insane one. Its a double edged sword that one...

This might feel like a jumbled mess on your computer screen, but that is my life. A jumbled mess punctuated with exciting moments and tragic events. But the one feeling that I have had for a good 15 hours now is disappointment and I need to get rid of it.

This is the one time where I have been grateful that I am going to work tonight because I know what the hell I am doing there.

I love you all! Thanks for listening to the ranting, I surely appreciate it.

Andie;)

Upon My Liars Chair

Time goes by so fast.
It seems like I have lived in Cedar my whole life.
But heaven knows that I ache to go home almost every weekend.
I miss my family so darn much.
First semester is almost over and finals week is only a couple weeks away now.
That scares me to the bone.

I know that the song I am about to reference is a bit dark and depressing, but man is it cathartic.
Hurt by Johnny Cash (a cover of Nine Inch Nails), is bone quakingly beautiful. I swear if I wasn't in the university library, I would cry from just watching it on youtube.

I'm a hypocrite. I always put myself so much higher than everyone else in my mind, but when I see others do it, I call them out on it and get up in arms towards them.
It takes a lot of gumption to look yourself in the mirror and see what is painfully obvious. My roommate Emily said something last night about changing yourself. She said that it gives you a sort of elated feeling, like you can do anything. I completely agree with her statement.

I need to change a bunch of things.
I need to lose weight.
I need to get my homework done.
I need to stop procrastinating.
I need to take my life seriously and actually put my all into what I do.
I need to take pride in my work.
I need to be less judgmental.

To look at all those things is a daunting task. I could add almost 20 more things if I wanted to, but I will spare all of that for a later psychological evaluation.

Sorry I am so dark and depressing! Sometimes I just need to get it out and have no one talk back or give me the advise that I already know.

10 Things I am Grateful For:
1. Freedom of speech.
2. The ability to see others as how they are, not who they should be.
3. My cellphone.
4. My family, biological and adopted.
5. Sleep.
6. Music.
7. A roommate that doesn't judge me. Even though I have earned it.
8. Tattoos.
9. Johnny Cash.
10. Orange nail polish.


Love you all!!:)

Love,
Andie;)